"Relax and have fun," Willow had told him. Yeah, sure. Easier said than done, that was. Over and above the whole 'Xander lost his eye oh my god what am I going to say to him don't stare at it just smile really nicely and pretend nothing's wrong' vibe that he was getting on a grand scale - and not just from the hordes of Potentials - there was the little fact that parties at the Summers house didn't always - make that usually - actually, make that ever - turn out well.
Once he'd given and received all the necessary hugs he threaded his way into the kitchen, where it was both cooler and quieter. It was sweet and considerate of them to have done all this just for him and he was glad, he was. He just needed to catch his breath a little.
He filled a glass from the tap then held it up to his forehead, relishing the feel of its icy coldness against his skin.
Then a hand touched his shoulder, and he jumped violently. God, he was turning into a real nervous nelly, wasn't he? He took a calming breath, put on his Party Xander smile and turned around.
Well. Obviously there weren't just new Potentials at Casa Buffy these days. New Slayer, too.
"Hello, Faith," he said.
She gave him a small smile. "Hey," she said. "Sorry if I made you jump. I thought you'd heard me, but I guess it's a bit noisy out there."
"Yeah, a housefull of teenage girls will do that."
"So I see. That's quite the fan club you got going."
"Yep. Fourth annual meeting of the Xander Appreciation Society, in session. I think they're trying to decide whether my statue should be marble or bronze."
She grinned, and helped herself to a can of beer. Necked half of it in one long swallow.
"So," he said, after a while, "long time no - er - see." And how come he'd never noticed before just how many eyeball references there were in casual small talk?
She nodded. "Yeah. Well, I had my whole alternative lifestyle thing going on, you know?"
"And now you're back in the mainstream."
"Yep. New improved Faith, that's me. No longer a menace to society. Just demons and other assorted nasties. Like the one who did that."
She reached out slowly, and put her hand up to his face. He managed not to flinch.
"Does it hurt?"
And yeah, that was Faith. No embarrassment, no niceties, no skirting around the issue. Want, take, have; wasn't that her philosophy of choice?
He shivered slightly. "Yeah," he said eventually. "It hurts. It hurts like hell."
On more than one level; the whole side of his faced throbbed and his missing eye itched and stung, but that wasn't all of it. Beyond the physical pain was the gnawing, frozen sensation in his mind and his gut that was, he guessed, called Xander Gets A Clue: yeah, wiseguy, you're not Superman after all. That magic shield you always thought made you invulnerable - the one called Buffy? Well guess what? It's got holes in it. And that means you can get hurt.
You can get killed.
"I'm sorry," said Faith.
"What for? Wasn't your fault."
"I know. But I'm sorry you had to go through it, anyway. Maybe if I'd got here sooner, I could've - " She stopped, and gave a slight shake of her head. "No. That's not a road that leads to anywhere good, is it?"
"The What If game? What if I'd been faster, quicker, stronger, smarter, insert wish fulfilment here? No, not usually."
She smiled, and he suddenly became aware that her hand was still touching his face. Smoothing back his hair, lightly stroking his cheek. Her skin felt cool. Nice. He'd probably better pull back soon, because it really wasn't very polite to take advantage of people's sympathy. No matter how soothing it felt. Yeah, he'd pull back any minute. Faith had stuff to do; important Slayer-y stuff. She'd always had bigger fish than him to fry.
For now though, she didn't seem to have anywhere better to be. "You can't help wondering though, can you?" she said. "What if I hadn't done X, what if I had done Y. You get to do a lot of that kind of wondering when you're repenting at leisure."
Xander nodded, enjoying how the movement slid her hand along his skin. "Yeah. I've sung that song a few times too. Things I did that I shouldn't have, things I - I should have done but didn't."
"Like get all the way up the aisle?"
"Right. You heard about that, then."
"Willow filled me in on a lot of stuff on the way here. I think she wanted to stop me putting my feet in it." She laughed suddenly, and dropped her hand. "Guess that was a bust, huh?"
"No, you're okay. Your feet are on solid ground here. It was my bad, my consequences."
"What happened? She seems - uh, interesting, your Anya."
"My ex-Anya. And yeah, she is. She has many sterling qualities, not least of which was the amazing ability to put up with me."
"So what went wrong?"
"Well, that ability was kinda the problem. I suppose I just got scared that she'd always put up with me. Even when she shouldn't."
"Okay. Well, I get that."
"You do?"
"Sure. You don't want to join any club that'd actually have you as a member, right?"
"Yeah. Something like that."
"I hear you. Damn stupid idea, though."
He smiled. "I guess it is."
"See, I finally figured out where it goes wrong, that little philosophy. To see something of value in you, to care about you, someone's got to be just as bad, right? Got to be stupid, or just as whacked out and worthless as you are. Except - the people who cared about us - well, they're not, are they?"
Xander looked down. "No."
"No. You know, there were people - good people - who reached out to me, and I - well, I spat it back in their faces. And I really don't need to be telling you this, do I? On account of the fact that you were one of them."
This time, he reached out to her. Covered her hand with his.
She gripped it, hard. Almost painfully hard. "It's just that I never really saw too many good things in my life," she said. "It made them hard to recognise, you know?"
And then she was moving, leaning in towards him. "But I learned."
He began to sway forward too, then jerked back as a sudden cacophony of noise and movement filled the room.
"Oh, there you are! Xander, come on, you're missing all the fun!"
A giggling train of girls, with Dawn at the head, snaked through the kitchen. Arms grabbed him round the waist and tried to pull him bodily away.
"Ladies, please. Let me preserve what shred of dignity I have left here, huh? Demons, I can face. The conga? Not so much."
"No way," said Dawn. "You are the guest of honour, and guests of honour always lead the conga. It's a rule." She began to tug at him again.
Xander threw up his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay. One thing I am good at is knowing when I'm beat."
He stood up, and looked at Faith. "Duty calls."
She smiled, and spread her hands. "Hey. I know how that one works. Go do what you got to do. Even if it does involve spazzy dancing."
"It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it." He rested his hand on her shoulder for a second. "You know that game?"
"What?"
"The What If game."
"Yeah?"
"Well sometimes I think it does lead somewhere good. And I want to play 'what if we'd finished that conversation.' That gonna be okay with you, Faith?"
She smiled as Dawn dragged him away. "Sure. That's gonna be just fine."
- End -
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